FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
