Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
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