honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Randomize
