Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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