I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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