I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
