i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
