you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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