I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
