My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
