I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
