I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
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