Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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