is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
