dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
