Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize