You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
My dick has a subreddit
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
