Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
