I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
