Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
