I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
