drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
