I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize