I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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