I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
