Moan for me like Helen Keller
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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