Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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