Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
The air was thick with penises
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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