I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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