I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
