I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
