im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
