you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
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