We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
