Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
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