I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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