You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
