She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I said "one day" and that day is not today
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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