I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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