Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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