This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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