i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Randomize
