I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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