Screwed.edu
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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