Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
