So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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