And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
