It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
