I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
