i just sent this text using only my big toe
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
