Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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