And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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