I met the friendliest cop last night
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
