4 words: hood of his car
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
When did angry sex become our thing?
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
