ugly people sure do ruin things
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
