I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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