i need an iv and a liver transplant
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Randomize