She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Randomize
