obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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