Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
