I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
