I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
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