apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
