Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
